{"id":1425,"date":"2014-09-16T22:51:34","date_gmt":"2014-09-17T02:51:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.managementcenter.org\/?post_type=article&p=1425"},"modified":"2025-08-28T21:10:35","modified_gmt":"2025-08-28T21:10:35","slug":"give-feedback-defensive-staff-member","status":"publish","type":"resources","link":"https:\/\/www.managementcenter.org\/resources\/give-feedback-defensive-staff-member\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Give Feedback about Defensiveness"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

A reader asks:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI need to talk to a staff member about some things I\u2019d like to see her change, but in the past when I\u2019ve given her feedback, she\u2019s become very defensive. She gets upset and focuses on arguing that she\u2019s not at fault\u2014when I\u2019m not interested in talking about fault, just in being able to talk about how we could be doing better. How do I get my message through when she\u2019s likely to have her hackles up?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Defensiveness is one of the most challenging responses you can get to feedback, because it can keep your staff member from really hearing what you\u2019re saying\u2014and thus from being able to internalize and grow from it. Too often, it results in managers hesitating to give feedback at all, which is a disservice to the staff member (who may later get taken off guard in a performance evaluation or wonder why they can\u2019t get raises or promotions). Feedback, when done well, can lead to better outcomes for individuals and a healthier team culture.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So what do you do when a staff member resists hearing feedback\u2014becoming upset or frustrated or automatically pushing back?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Before taking any action, recognize defensiveness for what it is: a protective mechanism in the face of a perceived threat. When feedback triggers defensiveness, it is often because the feedback brings up feelings of sadness, hurt, shame, anger, or being misunderstood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Defensiveness might present as a response to what you\u2019re saying in the moment, but often has very deep roots. For example, you think you\u2019re simply offering feedback about an article the person wrote, but they could be internalizing it as reinforcement that they are not capable or that you don\u2019t want them on your team. Knowing this doesn\u2019t mean that you should stop offering feedback; instead, try to tap into compassion and understanding when defensiveness shows up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s the good news: because of neuroplasticity, all of us have the capacity to grow out of protective patterns that no longer serve us\u2014including defensiveness. To support this capacity in your staff\u2014and make future feedback conversations smoother in the process\u2014here are some things to try:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Learn how to activate your team\u2019s full potential<\/strong> by enrolling in our <\/em>Ace Performance Management<\/a> training package! Gain the confidence and strategies you need to develop your team\u2019s skills, distinguish growth areas from performance problems, give better feedback, and create great team culture. Grab your spot today!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Name the defensiveness and its impact.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

For instance, you might say, \u201cI\u2019ve noticed that when I give you feedback, you often seem upset and focused on why the feedback is unnecessary, or why others are to blame. Listen, I get it: I know getting critical feedback doesn\u2019t feel good. It\u2019s normal for it to make us feel defensive. But when that consistently comes through in blaming or arguing, it has a negative effect on both of us\u2014it makes it harder for me to be able to share feedback, and blocks your ability to hear input focused on your growth and development in this role.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Get curious about the defensiveness.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Rather than assume that you know where it\u2019s coming from, ask questions to get beneath the surface. Consider asking, \u201cCan you talk about what\u2019s going on for you when I give feedback?\u201d or \u201cDo you have a sense of why this happens?\u201d Get curious about what you could do differently by asking, \u201cIs there something about the way that I’m offering feedback that’s not working for you? What could I do differently?” or \u201cAre there ways I can offer feedback that might help you receive it\u2014like sharing it in writing before talking about it in person?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Offer some reassurance, if genuine.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Since defensiveness often stems from insecurity, you might help the person feel more secure by putting the feedback in context. For example, you might add something like, \u201cYour overall performance is strong. So when I come to you with feedback, it\u2019s not a message that you\u2019re failing\u2014it\u2019s about how to get even stronger. But you won\u2019t be able to grow in your job if we can\u2019t have those conversations.\u201d (Of course, make sure that you only say this if it\u2019s true. If the person isn\u2019t performing well overall, don\u2019t mislead them. In that case, you might say something like, \u201cThese are serious issues, but I think it\u2019s something you can work on, and I\u2019m here to be a resource to you.\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

4. Describe what you need going forward.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

For instance, you might say, \u201cWhile I get that it\u2019s not easy to receive critical feedback, I believe in your ability to take it in and grow as a result of it. I\u2019m happy to adjust the way I deliver feedback so that it\u2019s easier to digest, and in turn, I\u2019m asking you to show up to feedback conversations with more openness.\u201d
Defensiveness isn\u2019t easy to deal with\u2014and it can stir up our own patterns of getting angry, being passive aggressive or avoidant, or simply acquiescing (think: fight, flight, freeze, appease). To stay centered in the purpose of the feedback conversation and your compassion for the other person, remember:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n
  • Defensiveness isn’t a character trait, it’s a response.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  • Defensiveness probably can’t be resolved overnight, or even over a matter of weeks.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  • Because defensiveness is deeply rooted, it will likely take some excavation, which you can support by being mindful about how you deliver feedback, investing in the relationship, offering praise and encouragement where genuine, and demonstrating belief in the person\u2019s growth.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  • The most effective managers don’t let defensiveness stop them from giving feedback.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Read this article for advice on what to do when a staff member responds to feedback with defensiveness.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":10397,"template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"footnotes":""},"tags":[],"resource_types":[48],"topic":[41,42],"collection":[27],"class_list":["post-1425","resources","type-resources","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","resource_types-article-publication","topic-investing-in-people","topic-performance-problems","collection-feedback"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Give Feedback about Defensiveness - The Management Center<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.managementcenter.org\/resources\/give-feedback-defensive-staff-member\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta 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